My weekend

So. A few nights ago I had a few drinks while out at building 24. I had just left the movie theater after watching the new captain America film and wanted to finish off the night with a nice sit down. It felt kind of awkward at first, but eventually I managed to get into a conversation with some stoners about something I no longer remember.

Man, I really suck at approaching people. From the moment I went into the club I wanted to leave, I felt like I was forcing myself into a setting that I'm not a fan of to see if I could adapt. Normally I'm pretty sociable, and I really enjoy speaking to people, but as of late all I've wanted was to go home to a kind woman who loves me for who I am and just wants to spend a nice evening at home watching old movies with a few drinks, cuddled up on a sofa.

I really need to let go. It always tears me apart when it dawns on me, and I've been doing much, much better with it lately, but for some reason I'm so wrought with regret and longing that I feel like I deserve to be punished. I keep thinking, "he's probably buying her flowers and making her smile right now". It's maddening, blogger. It's hard to deal with a foolish mind in unhealthy love. My love is now unrequited and it needs to fade away, because she doesn't want it anymore.

In my drunken state I realized that there was no real point to me deleting my Facebook. Despite having a week of peace of mind, I realized that I don't know enough people locally to be able to really function without my contacts on Facebook. I don't really keep any numbers in my phone and I don't talk much to people out in the real world. Plus a lot of my old new York city friends post there and I don't want to miss their moments.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel like the right thing to do would be to delete my Facebook, but now I have to make it an eventual goal. I'm considering possibly moving closer to my best friend again so that I have a chance at creating some social circles of my own so that I no longer need Facebook. When that day comes I'll happily delete my Facebook again.

I was also concerned about what my ex's family might think. I get along well with her sister, as she's been a pretty kind support to me through this whole thing, but all this yoyoing must make her think I'm eccentric. To be honest, I don't know if it's a good idea that I even continue communicating with her family because they're going to eventually meet him and love him more. I think one of the most painful moments was when my ex's brother liked a picture of her and her new flame together on Instagram... my ex never posted a picture of me on there so I didn't know how to feel, but her brother accepting him made me realize that I should really just let go. I really should.

I feel like everything I'm feeling is being bottle necked right now. I can write forever and today I don't think I'd feel satisfied. I'm just really not happy right now.

Thanks for reading my venting today.