Good morning blogger,
Today I'm supposed to be out to volunteer, but I honestly don't have the strength to sit and throw bricks for 5 hours. I also have to rewrite my resume and hand it to my brother sometime today so I can try and get a job at his plant. It wont be easy, and there are lots and lots of other qualified candidates, but I really hope that I can get in and start actualizing my dream of a home and car within the next 2 years.
Volunteering has been a fun experience so far though, with Habitat for Humanity I've had a chance to meet people who were put in a bad spot and had to clock in hours mandated by the state, but they were hard working individuals with dreams and a hope for a dynamic change to their futures. The stagnant nature of their lives after making their mistakes only served to motivate them to add brightness and color to their own.
Interestingly enough, while I was literally the only person there volunteering for the absolute sake of just volunteering, the truth is I was also there as a form of personal punishment. I felt like I failed the person I love and she found someone who was able to bring her peace after I brought her nothing but anger and sadness, and with that thought knew she would never come back to me. I desperately wanted something, anything, to distract me, so what better way than through positive actions like volunteering?
I suppose that isn't completely true, there were also retirees that participated in the program. They were some of the nicest and most talented people I had ever met. Working with them allowed me to learn a lot about being a giving person, even after retirement. I hope that some day my father can join them, as he is quite a skilled carpenter himself.
But that isn't exactly why I decided to write this blog post this morning.
Today a friend of mine told me about a nightmare she had, it was quite elaborate. I was actually impressed by how much she remembered and noted that she probably wakes up in the middle of her REM sleep like my ex girlfriend does. And that's when it hit me:
I really knew a lot about my ex.
I've dated other women before, I've had 2 year long relationships that were nice and fairly intimate to the very end; however, of all the girls I've dated I realize that I knew about her the most. Everything from medical issues, personal goals and achievements, likes, dislikes, I knew it all and remembered it all. I would often see the kind of car she wants, a jeep wrangler, and think to myself, "I have to get her that someday," and as a birthday gift I wanted to get her tickets to a Florence and the Machine concert, and I knew that would make her swoon over me. But I never got that chance because our issues overshadowed our love for one and other.
Next week marks the date when she was supposed to come back from Africa, but that is now the past. It's a sad truth (for me) but she is happier where she is, as she decided to stay until June and ultimately stay permanently in Africa.
Man... I used to talk about her all the time, from my brother trying to quit smoking and the pointers she had given me about the quitting process when she went through it, to those little cute things she did when we were together. I remember it all vividly, and I treasure those memories with all of my being.
Despite this, I am regaining my happiness. Yes, I love her with all my heart because, to me, she is like family. But one thing that has always kept me going is the thought that I will never, ever force someone to want me if they don't want me anymore. We all deserve happiness, and if a person can't see a future of joy with me and leaves me, then that is their decision because I know I have a lot to offer.
She has helped me change my style, she has helped me broaden my perspective of things, and has helped me become a more dedicated person to achieving my dreams. And maybe that was her role in my life. But, in the end she is no longer with me and has found happiness in her life without me, and that is fine because if she is happy then she is happy. Now it is up to me to find my own happiness without her either, even though I know so much about her and remember everything that made me happy with her.
I don't feel much of a focus on this post, but it felt better to write out my thoughts at the time. I hope that if my ex girlfriend is out there reading this she can know that I appreciate everything she has done for me, and I thank her for sharing her heart and soul with me. Nothing is more beautiful than sharing your heart with a loved one, and I'll make sure to never let my actions get to a point where my love is put in question again.
Ugh, I love her so much. I really hope she is happy, where ever she is now.
One day at a time, I'll regain my happiness again.
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