Hey blogger,
Today I finally made a good resume with lots of professional references. I also officially submitted it to Mack Trucks, hopefully I can land this job and start saving up for a home and car. While I understand that this is a goal that many seek to accomplish with their significant other, I want this achievement on my own. I want to prove to myself that I truly do not need anyone to have a fulfilling life, and a relationship would only add to my life, not define it.
Afterward I took a nap and had quite a nightmare. I've imagined many times what I would do if my ex ever came to my doorstep for any reason. Maybe it is pathetic of me, but if she ever needed help with anything I know I wouldn't hesitate to provide it. And I honestly hope she never gets into trouble to that degree. Anyway, my nightmare started off as a big shock, as I opened the front door and there she was, dressed in an orange top and blue jeans. She had a bit of a neutral expression, but her blue eyes shone as brightly as I last remembered them. At first I felt anger, then I felt an immense amount of relief, I'm not entirely sure why. I asked her to come in, I wasn't sure of what was happening, but I wanted to take her home. It seems that my subconscious understood that this was the best course of action, rather than jumping for joy and hugging her until her innards came out.
We didn't talk much, I asked her how everything was going, she seemed very distant and simply wanted to see how I was holding up. I told her that I was fine, and then she suggested that we make a stop at the beach because she wanted to be where there was fresh air with a tinge of ocean breeze. I complied, and as I drove I stole a few glances at her free hand. my heart was pounding in my chest and I hoped that she would at least touch my hand. In the dream she reached for it, then pulled away. My heart sunk, but it was a bittersweet feeling. When we got to the beach she wanted to find a comfortable place to stand. Unfortunately that's where the dream took a turn for the worse.
Right where we decided to stand were a few rough looking guys, all who were double my height and muscle mass. I instantly wanted to change locations, until one of them called out for me to give him some change. Reminds me of my old days in Brooklyn, "Yo son, you got a quarter?" We began walking away, then the man who shouted to me loudly noted that he found my ex very attractive.
I was immediately in the defensive, I wanted to knock him straight out. But for some reason, no matter how hard I threw a punch or a kick they either didn't land, or my arm became weak when my fist was close to making contact.
One of those dreams.
Soon after I heard a shriek from my ex. Apparently, while I was trying to teach the first guy a lesson, two other friends snuck around and began to harass her. I was terrified, and I ran to help her, as they started to chase her.
I ran as fast as I could, and the other guy I tried to hit was chasing me. He was shouting for them to "get her before I could help", no matter how fast I ran I couldn't catch up. The dream ended with me trying to get to the men before they got to her, as the fear of them doing something terrible became too overwhelming to stay asleep.
When I woke up my heart was pounding up to my throat and I had some tears in my eyes. I felt like I failed to protect her all over again.
Despite the dark nature of the dream, the one important thing that I've realized is that I subconsciously understood that the relationship between myself and my ex is over. Even when I longed for her touch it was not granted to me, and in the end all that happened was my failure to protect her against the world. There are a lot of associated memories, but I don't really want to get into it.
If there is anything positive that I learned from that brief nightmare, it is the importance of protecting the ones you love. I am a very prideful person, and I am loyal to those that I love and love me in return. I'm so angry at myself for not showing that enough in my last relationship. And I promise myself this: I swear that I'll never let that happen again. I will never, ever compromise my loyalty and strength of character because of guilt and shame. I will always protect the woman that I love from any assailants, both physical and verbal. I lost something very special when I allowed that to happen, and with it the respect that I deserved in the relationship.
Finally, yesterday I deleted my facebook account. Not the deactivation process that we sometimes do to keep away for a while, but a complete deletion of my profile. It will take two full weeks to fully be implemented, but I am very dedicated to letting this happen. Social networking can be useful, under the right, healthy conditions. However, once it starts to play an active role in your life it becomes quite dangerous. I feel that if I didn't constantly check my facebook I would have reacted much better to my ex's decision to move on and start a new relationship in her new home. Maybe I would have just moved on myself with little knowledge of what was happening, like most people have the luxury of not knowing.
I've also deleted some other online profiles permanently, but some have been replaced. We'll see where this decision takes me.
Maybe in the future I can create a new facebook with friends I actively speak to. In which case I will be sure that it does not at all play a role in my life.
I have so many thoughts and feelings that I can put down here... So many things that I have realized in the short time that I have been in this grieving stage, but I'll refrain from sharing because I'd like to maintain some level of dignity, and I also don't want to write a 50 page novel on my realizations and insights.
PS: Last week Monday I decided to stop smoking/vapping for a while, both for self discipline and to clear my system for work. So far it hasn't been difficult at all and has only been a positive experience. Thank you to my friends and family who encouraged me to take this path.
Until next time, blogger.
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