I still get angry at the concept of letting go and that feelings can grow unhealthy. I think I'm ready to let go, but every now and then I remember everything at once. And at those times I can't help but remember that one of the best days of your life was the worst day in mine. Anything I feel is of no use to you, my feelings only cause you sadness and discomfort.
If you were standing in front of me, you wouldn't want me to touch you.
His arms, his smile, his heart are what you want now. More than you ever wanted mine.
That still shakes me. But my eyes are dry now. I just lay down and twist my face a bit at the thought. A person can only feel soul tearing sadness for so long.
Despair is all I feel when I think back to us. That feeling of knowing there is absolutely nothing you could do to change what happened. No amount of flowers or sacrifice would bring back the fire we once had. It's all gone. Ruined. Someone who I felt was the most beautiful, who made me feel such deep love for the first time in my life. I'll never see you again.
I feel like I've adapted to the despair of those thoughts, I say I move on, yet any smile that reminds me of yours is what I try to pursue. Anyone who's eyes reminds me of your cat-like gaze ignite a small fire in me to have at least a little of what I lost. And that's fucked up.
I'm gonna stay single for a little longer. I need to straighten my credit back up and get college finished. I need to get my shit together and my mind right if I want to end up with a woman of quality that I want.
I get scared imagining myself with someone else. It just hits me every time I think about it. I just really want to be back with my ex, but I finally understand that it's not going to ever happen.
I'm rambling and I'm quite high. I have to get ready for work in a few minutes. Thank you for letting me vent, blogger.
