Inner Peace

No matter how much you thrash about, you can't change a person's mind that has been made up. It's better to accept the impermanence of all things than to try and force the world to bend to your will. Breathe in wisdom and patience, exhale selfish, childish thoughts.

Now you're one step closer to inner peace.

Time and the future

Good morning blogger,

It's been well over a month now, and the idea of my ex being with someone else no longer carries the same weight on my mind that it used to. Thinking about this everyday, mulling over the details of everything I did wrong to push such a wonderful person out of my life, has made me grow used to that miserable idea. There are moments when the idea of the lost love dawns on me and I get lost in my internal pain, but at this point the initial shock has now passed. And I thank whatever God there is for that.

At this point all I want is to work. It has been months since I've lost my last job and I'm sure it's also contributing to my depression. Having nothing to do all day but pine my losses and nurse myself back to being a functional member of society, to nurse myself back into being a man who can provide again, I want something positive to come up so that I can have a glimmer of hope at restoring my happiness. I want progress.

The good thing is I recognize some positives that have come out of this: I truly understand the merits of complete honesty, the importance of partnership and friendship with your partner as an ally in our struggle in life. Without that honesty there's just no way to create an environment of trust which is essential to all relationships. I also truly understand what it means to have a good partner, someone who is willing to do everything to be with you, someone who becomes more beautiful each day you look at her. I understand how important it is to treat a lady the way she deserves to be treated, not just how you think she should be treated, it shows that you not only listen, but that you truly care about their happiness.

I've always believed that life is a struggle that is difficult for everyone. We all have to pay our dues, most of us have to work hard everyday to live a remotely fulfilling life, and we all have our own personal stories that make us sad or even feel damaged. That is why it is important for us to find someone to share our lives with, someone who will share both your joys and pain to make life that much easier to enjoy. Most of us want to come home to the beautiful smiling face of our loved ones and take pride in the fact that one of the reasons they smile everyday is because of you.

Last month I lost faith in love, but in remembering how she made me feel whenever she smiled at me with those beautiful blue eyes, I remember that love is not deceptive, but the most wonderful feeling in the world. Love is more addictive than heroin, and it's loss creates withdrawal just the same, but when it is found and respected it is literally the most wonderful feeling in the world. And I want it again.

It's far too soon right now because in my mind she is the love that can't be compared to any other still, but someday maybe I'll be able to find it again, just as she has.

With my lessons at heart after innumerable mistakes on my part, I know that next time I'll be a wonderful man to a most deserving, beautiful woman who can truly restore my faith in that precious state of mind. I will take care of myself so that I can take care of my future love.

Thanks for reading.

Transitions

It's just hard to let go of the guilt. She went from best friend to distant memory in such a short time.

How I feel in my heart and mind

I lost a wonderful woman because I didn't have my head on my shoulders. I've learned a big lesson that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My goal has always been to be a wonderful husband and father, and I will be that. I've improved so much in a short time without anger and bitterness, in the future there is nothing but positive growth.

Thank you for the love you gave me. It wasn't for nothing, because you showed me the meaning of passion. I'll always love you, even if that makes me stupid, even if it makes me a fool. I was ready to make you my forever, but I failed to live up to that myself.

Be happy always.

Goodnight, blogger.

Lol

Leo horoscope for Apr 19 2014 You have been pouring a lot of effort into something, Leo. Maybe you have done so for a long time. Maybe this effort has drained you, and taken you away from other things that you love. Perhaps you have used a lot of your valuable resources in your quest. And at this point you may be wondering whether it was all worth it. You are a very result-oriented person, and when you don't see results you think about cutting your losses, which can be wise depending on the circumstances. But this time you need to wait just a little while before reaching that decision. Reassurance is coming. -- Copyright © Daily Horoscope. Download it now — http://bit.ly/DHmobile

Lol what does this even mean? Fuck the zodiac, honestly

Short, Good Thought

One of my best memories was when we were having a conversation, and she told me that I have a beautiful mind. I still smile about that now.

I really hope she's found happiness. She deserves it.

Another post

I wonder if it's ok for me to still love her even though I know she won't come back and she's happy with someone else.

I remember an argument we had where she typo'd "me being happy has to do with not talking to you" I got so upset about that that I told her that she had a talent for make me go from missing her to being miserable or upset. Despite her correcting herself, the cat was out of the bag because I already said that mean thing. I don't want to regret, but this is my only outlet to say that I miss her, I miss her smiling for me, I miss her warm gaze, I miss her blue eyes, and her hugs were so perfect. I wish we didn't have the distance and I wish we didn't fight so much. I wish she knew that I didn't love anyone more than her, that she was all I wanted.

I love her now, but it's wasted because she doesn't want it.

I've decided to read Dharma Punx again by Noah Levine. It talks about his growth in California and his journey to find himself. I really enjoyed reading it because it was an enlightening experience. I'm also interested in the concept of letting go in dharma, to gain an understanding of impermanence.

I feel like such an unhealthy creep, despite everything I want to hug her one last time. I should have tried harder, maybe she wouldn't have left.

She was supposed to come back today. Maybe that's why I feel this way this morning.

I also had a dream about her being pregnant by someone else.

I'm just making emotional vomit at this point. Have a great day blogger.

40 Ways to Let go and Feel Less Pain

40 Ways to Let go and Feel Less Pain

My weekend

So. A few nights ago I had a few drinks while out at building 24. I had just left the movie theater after watching the new captain America film and wanted to finish off the night with a nice sit down. It felt kind of awkward at first, but eventually I managed to get into a conversation with some stoners about something I no longer remember.

Man, I really suck at approaching people. From the moment I went into the club I wanted to leave, I felt like I was forcing myself into a setting that I'm not a fan of to see if I could adapt. Normally I'm pretty sociable, and I really enjoy speaking to people, but as of late all I've wanted was to go home to a kind woman who loves me for who I am and just wants to spend a nice evening at home watching old movies with a few drinks, cuddled up on a sofa.

I really need to let go. It always tears me apart when it dawns on me, and I've been doing much, much better with it lately, but for some reason I'm so wrought with regret and longing that I feel like I deserve to be punished. I keep thinking, "he's probably buying her flowers and making her smile right now". It's maddening, blogger. It's hard to deal with a foolish mind in unhealthy love. My love is now unrequited and it needs to fade away, because she doesn't want it anymore.

In my drunken state I realized that there was no real point to me deleting my Facebook. Despite having a week of peace of mind, I realized that I don't know enough people locally to be able to really function without my contacts on Facebook. I don't really keep any numbers in my phone and I don't talk much to people out in the real world. Plus a lot of my old new York city friends post there and I don't want to miss their moments.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel like the right thing to do would be to delete my Facebook, but now I have to make it an eventual goal. I'm considering possibly moving closer to my best friend again so that I have a chance at creating some social circles of my own so that I no longer need Facebook. When that day comes I'll happily delete my Facebook again.

I was also concerned about what my ex's family might think. I get along well with her sister, as she's been a pretty kind support to me through this whole thing, but all this yoyoing must make her think I'm eccentric. To be honest, I don't know if it's a good idea that I even continue communicating with her family because they're going to eventually meet him and love him more. I think one of the most painful moments was when my ex's brother liked a picture of her and her new flame together on Instagram... my ex never posted a picture of me on there so I didn't know how to feel, but her brother accepting him made me realize that I should really just let go. I really should.

I feel like everything I'm feeling is being bottle necked right now. I can write forever and today I don't think I'd feel satisfied. I'm just really not happy right now.

Thanks for reading my venting today.

John Legend - Everybody Knows

Wonderful and Terrible Africa.

Hey blogger,

This morning I'm writing this post on my phone. I'm getting a bit tired of my nightly nightmares about my ex and her new flame. I have also shamefully developed a bit of a hatred for the nation of Kenya because that's where she disappeared to. It's immature and unfair, and I feel like I'm missing out on learning about a nation with a colorful history of colonialism under the then-wicked hand of the English empire. There was a period where my curiosity about African history drove me to learn about the pre second reich continent of Africa, before the Belgian convention that separated Africa into over 40 states. And during European colonialism when extremely intelligent Africans, such as Kwame Nkrumah, were brave and created great changes for the continent. It makes me aware of the potentially great and intelligent people my ex had encountered, and continue to encounter, in Kenya. And how her current boyfriend may very well be in their ranks of intelligence. It was easy for her to decide to leave me...

Ugh.

I'm ashamed to say, but my heart now doesn't want to deal with Kenya anymore. For now my own curiosity of African history has died. It makes me such a fool, but I feel so sore and bitter from losing my love to Africa. I'll never have her again and I'm very sad about it.

I hope to pick up the pieces soon and regain my curiosity of that wonderful continent again. But I don't know how to not associate my loss with that nation. I miss her so much.

But it needs to stop, because she doesn't miss me. Not even remotely, and not in the way that I wish she missed me.

I need to stop staring at my phone hoping she'll message me. Enough time has past for me to know that it's over forever.

Forever.

My progress and my dreams

Hey blogger,

Today I finally made a good resume with lots of professional references. I also officially submitted it to Mack Trucks, hopefully I can land this job and start saving up for a home and car. While I understand that this is a goal that many seek to accomplish with their significant other, I want this achievement on my own. I want to prove to myself that I truly do not need anyone to have a fulfilling life, and a relationship would only add to my life, not define it.

Afterward I took a nap and had quite a nightmare. I've imagined many times what I would do if my ex ever came to my doorstep for any reason. Maybe it is pathetic of me, but if she ever needed help with anything I know I wouldn't hesitate to provide it. And I honestly hope she never gets into trouble to that degree. Anyway, my nightmare started off as a big shock, as I opened the front door and there she was, dressed in an orange top and blue jeans. She had a bit of a neutral expression, but her blue eyes shone as brightly as I last remembered them. At first I felt anger, then I felt an immense amount of relief, I'm not entirely sure why. I asked her to come in, I wasn't sure of what was happening, but I wanted to take her home. It seems that my subconscious understood that this was the best course of action, rather than jumping for joy and hugging her until her innards came out.

We didn't talk much, I asked her how everything was going, she seemed very distant and simply wanted to see how I was holding up. I told her that I was fine, and then she suggested that we make a stop at the beach because she wanted to be where there was fresh air with a tinge of ocean breeze. I complied, and as I drove I stole a few glances at her free hand. my heart was pounding in my chest and I hoped that she would at least touch my hand. In the dream she reached for it, then pulled away. My heart sunk, but it was a bittersweet feeling. When we got to the beach she wanted to find a comfortable place to stand. Unfortunately that's where the dream took a turn for the worse.

Right where we decided to stand were a few rough looking guys, all who were double my height and muscle mass. I instantly wanted to change locations, until one of them called out for me to give him some change. Reminds me of my old days in Brooklyn, "Yo son, you got a quarter?" We began walking away, then the man who shouted to me loudly noted that he found my ex very attractive.

I was immediately in the defensive, I wanted to knock him straight out. But for some reason, no matter how hard I threw a punch or a kick they either didn't land, or my arm became weak when my fist was close to making contact.

One of those dreams.

Soon after I heard a shriek from my ex. Apparently, while I was trying to teach the first guy a lesson, two other friends snuck around and began to harass her. I was terrified, and I ran to help her, as they started to chase her.

I ran as fast as I could, and the other guy I tried to hit was chasing me. He was shouting for them to "get her before I could help", no matter how fast I ran I couldn't catch up. The dream ended with me trying to get to the men before they got to her, as the fear of them doing something terrible became too overwhelming to stay asleep.

When I woke up my heart was pounding up to my throat and I had some tears in my eyes. I felt like I failed to protect her all over again.

Despite the dark nature of the dream, the one important thing that I've realized is that I subconsciously understood that the relationship between myself and my ex is over. Even when I longed for her touch it was not granted to me, and in the end all that happened was my failure to protect her against the world. There are a lot of associated memories, but I don't really want to get into it.

If there is anything positive that I learned from that brief nightmare, it is the importance of protecting the ones you love. I am a very prideful person, and I am loyal to those that I love and love me in return. I'm so angry at myself for not showing that enough in my last relationship. And I promise myself this: I swear that I'll never let that happen again. I will never, ever compromise my loyalty and strength of character because of guilt and shame. I will always protect the woman that I love from any assailants, both physical and verbal. I lost something very special when I allowed that to happen, and with it the respect that I deserved in the relationship.

Finally, yesterday I deleted my facebook account. Not the deactivation process that we sometimes do to keep away for a while, but a complete deletion of my profile. It will take two full weeks to fully be implemented, but I am very dedicated to letting this happen. Social networking can be useful, under the right, healthy conditions. However, once it starts to play an active role in your life it becomes quite dangerous. I feel that if I didn't constantly check my facebook I would have reacted much better to my ex's decision to move on and start a new relationship in her new home. Maybe I would have just moved on myself with little knowledge of what was happening, like most people have the luxury of not knowing.

I've also deleted some other online profiles permanently, but some have been replaced. We'll see where this decision takes me.

Maybe in the future I can create a new facebook with friends I actively speak to. In which case I will be sure that it does not at all play a role in my life.

I have so many thoughts and feelings that I can put down here... So many things that I have realized in the short time that I have been in this grieving stage, but I'll refrain from sharing because I'd like to maintain some level of dignity, and I also don't want to write a 50 page novel on my realizations and insights.

PS: Last week Monday I decided to stop smoking/vapping for a while, both for self discipline and to clear my system for work. So far it hasn't been difficult at all and has only been a positive experience. Thank you to my friends and family who encouraged me to take this path.

Until next time, blogger. 

She's Always a Woman to Me

This song resonates with how I feel about my ex girlfriend. She isn't guilty of all of these things of course, but her heart is strong and I feel like it was something to be both respected and careful with. But in the end she was a wonderful woman. I pray to have the strength and confidence to have someone as wonderful, but we must get along lol.

When you meet a quality woman, never ever put her in a position to question you. I have no problems being faithful to a wonderful lady, but I made her believe that I was looking at others. My head is still spinning from allowing that to happen. Never before had my faith in a relationship ever been put to question. I made so many silly mistakes and I hope I never meet a girl under the conditions which I met her in.

Ah blogger, as insane as I sound, it feels great that I can speak freely here about how I feel with reckless abandon. As a man it is difficult to open up to others for too long about your own personal thoughts, people do get fed up, even family.

Nothing but growth is up ahead though, and I will find the strength to push forward and eventually meet the woman for me. One with beautiful eyes and a heart warming smile for me.

My erratic, eccentric post

Good morning blogger,

Today I'm supposed to be out to volunteer, but I honestly don't have the strength to sit and throw bricks for 5 hours. I also have to rewrite my resume and hand it to my brother sometime today so I can try and get a job at his plant. It wont be easy, and there are lots and lots of other qualified candidates, but I really hope that I can get in and start actualizing my dream of a home and car within the next 2 years.

Volunteering has been a fun experience so far though, with Habitat for Humanity I've had a chance to meet people who were put in a bad spot and had to clock in hours mandated by the state, but they were hard working individuals with dreams and a hope for a dynamic change to their futures. The stagnant nature of their lives after making their mistakes only served to motivate them to add brightness and color to their own.

Interestingly enough, while I was literally the only person there volunteering for the absolute sake of just volunteering, the truth is I was also there as a form of personal punishment. I felt like I failed the person I love and she found someone who was able to bring her peace after I brought her nothing but anger and sadness, and with that thought knew she would never come back to me. I desperately wanted something, anything, to distract me, so what better way than through positive actions like volunteering?

I suppose that isn't completely true, there were also retirees that participated in the program. They were some of the nicest and most talented people I had ever met. Working with them allowed me to learn a lot about being a giving person, even after retirement. I hope that some day my father can join them, as he is quite a skilled carpenter himself.

But that isn't exactly why I decided to write this blog post this morning.

Today a friend of mine told me about a nightmare she had, it was quite elaborate. I was actually impressed by how much she remembered and noted that she probably wakes up in the middle of her REM sleep like my ex girlfriend does. And that's when it hit me:

I really knew a lot about my ex.

I've dated other women before, I've had 2 year long relationships that were nice and fairly intimate to the very end; however, of all the girls I've dated I realize that I knew about her the most. Everything from medical issues, personal goals and achievements, likes, dislikes, I knew it all and remembered it all. I would often see the kind of car she wants, a jeep wrangler, and think to myself, "I have to get her that someday," and as a birthday gift I wanted to get her tickets to a Florence and the Machine concert, and I knew that would make her swoon over me. But I never got that chance because our issues overshadowed our love for one and other.

Next week marks the date when she was supposed to come back from Africa, but that is now the past. It's a sad truth (for me) but she is happier where she is, as she decided to stay until June and ultimately stay permanently in Africa.

Man... I used to talk about her all the time, from my brother trying to quit smoking and the pointers she had given me about the quitting process when she went through it, to those little cute things she did when we were together. I remember it all vividly, and I treasure those memories with all of my being.

Despite this, I am regaining my happiness. Yes, I love her with all my heart because, to me, she is like family. But one thing that has always kept me going is the thought that I will never, ever force someone to want me if they don't want me anymore. We all deserve happiness, and if a person can't see a future of joy with me and leaves me, then that is their decision because I know I have a lot to offer.

She has helped me change my style, she has helped me broaden my perspective of things, and has helped me become a more dedicated person to achieving my dreams. And maybe that was her role in my life. But, in the end she is no longer with me and has found happiness in her life without me,  and that is fine because if she is happy then she is happy. Now it is up to me to find my own happiness without her either, even though I know so much about her and remember everything that made me happy with her.

I don't feel much of a focus on this post, but it felt better to write out my thoughts at the time. I hope that if my ex girlfriend is out there reading this she can know that I appreciate everything she has done for me, and I thank her for sharing her heart and soul with me. Nothing is more beautiful than sharing your heart with a loved one, and I'll make sure to never let my actions get to a point where my love is put in question again.

Ugh, I love her so much. I really hope she is happy, where ever she is now.

One day at a time, I'll regain my happiness again.

My last letter

Hello blogger,

Today I deleted my old instagram account. Not because I wanted to push people away, but because it felt like I was shedding an old shell. My new instagram, which originally was created for the pining process still, feels more genuine and I feel like I can document my daily observations on it better. If you wish to add me, it's dalvanna12.

I think the hardest part about ending a relationship these days is the existence of social networking. Despite deleting and blocking all involved parties, you always run the risk of running into a picture that were not meant for your eyes.

And I did just that several times.

Seeing someone you loved... and still love.. for so long take cute couple pictures with her new flame is the worst knife twisting, gut-wrenching feeling in the world. I can only compare it to when a loved one passes away, and you find out that their soul was condemned to an eternity in hell.

The first time I ran into her boyfriend's profile picture, I temporarily lost my mind. For some reason I felt like the whole affair was a huge cruel joke, like my ex was only playing an elaborate prank in order to scare me straight and realize that I should appreciate her more. Despite my better judgment, which said otherwise, I said this to myself to shield my heart from the reality of what was actually happening. And that picture, full of a clear and blossoming love, painfully brought the hammer of reality crashing on top of my head.

I completely went insane. I didn't destroy property, I didn't scream out, I didn't attack anyone. I simply slipped out of my conscious, rational mind, and temporarily fell into a state of mind that was filled with despair and chaos.

Honestly, it was terrifying. I felt like the base of my being, the very bridge that kept my soul standing, was destroyed and I was free falling into an abyss where my mind could easily slip into a state of darkness from which I could never return, and deep inside I felt that I was ready to embrace that darkness and lose my mind.

But I consciously tried to pull away from it, and the only way was to sob. And so I sobbed bitterly for as long as necessary until the image of their blossoming love was out of my mind.

But it's never really out of your mind.

In a way I feel like I was cursed with an insight on the thought processes of other people. I've spent so much time observing my own siblings that I've developed the ability to create a mental time line of events that led up to an action. I think of the mindsets, the emotion, the initial interaction, all of it. Everything that led up to the point where she decided that she was secure and happy enough with her new relationship that she made it public.

Today, I read my final letter to her. It was in my document folder and I completely forgot that I had saved a copy for myself.

It goes as follows (for the purpose of anonymity, I removed her name from the letter):

"This is my last letter to you, I promise: 

(name), 

I wasn't sure of how often you may check your email, so I decided to send this to you via face book. It’s been a few days since I got to speak to you. And the last conversation we had was pretty bad, and we both left it very angry at each other. What I wanted to say was that I apologize for the way my brother acted, believe me when I say it was just a moment by moment thing. He was in the house when I argued with you on valentines, so he knew that something was up between us. Then he saw that I was upset when I got your message that you were extending your stay and suggested that I let go and move on. It was my own fault because I kept holding on until I saw the face book update, and I started to make a mess of his Living room. He didn’t know where to place his anger and decided to message you. I didn’t take it well and that’s my own fault. 

I am not happy about this development, but what’s important is that you are. It’s your life, your body, your joy, and your path. And while I may not be ready yet, I hope that someday I can find my own happiness too.
As a final note I’ll say this:

I want you to know that you have been the best person to ever happen to me. I know I was terrible at showing it, but I really loved you with all of heart, but a small part of me I kept holding back because I was afraid that you would leave me if I ever told you what I thought or felt about something. I just wanted to be agreeable but it made me come off as very dodgy and shady. 

I know you have moved on, and someday I will too. In the meantime, while I still have these feelings for you, I want to say that I am proud of you being able to make this tough journey to Kenya and become an asset to the people over there who need you. And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for the way I treated you during our relationship, and I take full accountability for the wrongs that Ive done. 

There were many issues that we had due to personality clashes, and things that we both could have done to handle certain issues better, but everything happens for a reason, and I’m learning to accept that this all happened so that we could both grow with an understanding of what we want more for ourselves. 

In many ways I know that I didn’t show you enough appreciation, but I’m thankful that you came into my life and helped me see that there was more to my life than just trolling online. Hopefully in the future, if we ever meet again, we can share a story about what we did from there. And I hope when that day comes I’ll at least own my own home and a new car.

I’m really glad that you have found happiness, or have a much better idea of what your happiness looks like now. Rest assured that I have honestly thought about everything, as much as I could remember, to see the faults on my end so I can improve myself.

Thank you for the wonderful memories. And thank you for reading this extremely long letter.
This is goodbye, (name). Take good care of yourself and your wonderful family. Maybe it won’t be the same, but I’ll always love you."

In the letter I try to be as accountable as possible for my wrongs, including my early argument with her after I found out about her new boyfriend. I figured that it would be much, much better to close things on a positive note than end things with hatred and bitterness on both of our ends.

What I have been trying to do is look at the positives of our relationship and maintain a good memory of what we had, without looking at the bad to build hatred and resentment. But it is not easy, and I'm sure it was not easy for her either. Reading this letter made me remember that I really tried to be a good man to her, and that I am not a bad person despite all that has happened. In the end I simply love her and want her to be happy, even if it is not with me. It is a difficult thought to have, but it is, in my heart, the right way to handle it. Even if it makes it harder for me to move on. But I rather move on with goodness in my heart, than with assumptions and anger. In that I try to be a stronger person, and I can improve myself to show someone new that I can be a very wonderful, giving, and loving boyfriend and future husband.

I really, really miss her. And I'm very sad that she has found happiness with someone who is not me. But I'm also really proud of her for what she was able to make into a reality. She is living her dream and is edging closer to happiness. Despite my wishes that she found that joy with me, I understand that in life we don't always get who or what we want. Sometimes we lose the most precious things and people in order for us to learn to grow and appreciate those good things and people while they are in our lives. This whole thing is bigger than just me and my ex: it is the way that life itself works.

Another moment

Well, it has been 21 days since I've genuinely smiled, and I feel like I've become more and more withdrawn and depressed. However, the good news is that I am no where near as upset as I was more than a week ago. And it is all thanks to the testimony of the Internet. There is no better source of stories about broken hearts and unrequited love than the very real published material on the web, much like this blog now, and I hope in the future it will help other people who are going through the same.

With a few bucks in pocket, I planned a trip to a decent joint in Reading, PA called Vivas. Seeking an outfit, I realized that I had nothing presentable with the exception of what my ex picked out for me over the course of our relationship. For the longest time I felt that as long as my clothing was clean I was satisfied, but when my ex came into my life she expanded my perspective by introducing me to more "contemporary" styles, not the post great-depression era outfits I wore. I appreciated it, but at the same time I was a bit resistant to the change since I'm not the biggest fan of change. Ultimately, it was extremely beneficial to me, but now that she's gone I have to learn to continue updating my style to this day.

Making the decision to put on and wear the clothes that my ex-girlfriend bought or picked out for me was not easy. I still had the deep feeling of guilt and shame pressing on my chest, and taking that clothes into hand suddenly made my wounds fresh, and I had a moment. Drying my tears, I put on the clothes and just then got a notification from my phone.

It was in regards to my account.

According to my bank, I didn't have enough money to have fun. If anything the money should probably be saved for a gas station visit instead.

With a sigh, I gave up on the idea of going out to Vivas. What was I thinking anyway? All I would be doing is comparing women to my ex and finding reasons why they aren't as good as her. In my heart I'm still not ready to date, so I better scratch that idea and go for something else.

Tonight I think I'm going to read instead, either Michael Shermer's "The Science of Good and Evil" or "The Impossible State: North Korea, Past and Future" by Victor Cha. Both books are pretty appealing and I look forward to reading either one. Since my North Korea book is closer to me I think I'll go for that.

As I sit here I'll tell you that my thoughts are usually dominated by my regrets. I relive a lot of the memories we have together, how I felt about her, and realized that there were many times when my actions did not correspond to how I actually felt. There were times when I felt so riled up that the only outlet I felt that was appropriate was to cut my ties and break up. Yet I never felt, in my heart, that I really wanted to be without her. With this post I'll say this: I will never push the person who owns my heart away again unless I really wanted to break up. It was a massive, and juvenile mistake and I paid for it dearly by losing my ex to her African journey.

I also refuse to conduct an argument through texting, especially when intentions are questionable at best. My ex and I had trust issues that go back to my first and most awful mistake involving a trip to Las Vegas, a mistake that I've never forgiven myself for to this day, and because of that early mistake the course of our relationship had always been an uphill battle of proving my loyalty, and I failed because I couldn't take responsibility for my actions. Accountability is extremely important as a man.

(I originally created this on March 31. I just never published it. oops.)