Well, it has been 21 days since I've genuinely smiled, and I feel like I've become more and more withdrawn and depressed. However, the good news is that I am no where near as upset as I was more than a week ago. And it is all thanks to the testimony of the Internet. There is no better source of stories about broken hearts and unrequited love than the very real published material on the web, much like this blog now, and I hope in the future it will help other people who are going through the same.
With a few bucks in pocket, I planned a trip to a decent joint in Reading, PA called Vivas. Seeking an outfit, I realized that I had nothing presentable with the exception of what my ex picked out for me over the course of our relationship. For the longest time I felt that as long as my clothing was clean I was satisfied, but when my ex came into my life she expanded my perspective by introducing me to more "contemporary" styles, not the post great-depression era outfits I wore. I appreciated it, but at the same time I was a bit resistant to the change since I'm not the biggest fan of change. Ultimately, it was extremely beneficial to me, but now that she's gone I have to learn to continue updating my style to this day.
Making the decision to put on and wear the clothes that my ex-girlfriend bought or picked out for me was not easy. I still had the deep feeling of guilt and shame pressing on my chest, and taking that clothes into hand suddenly made my wounds fresh, and I had a moment. Drying my tears, I put on the clothes and just then got a notification from my phone.
It was in regards to my account.
According to my bank, I didn't have enough money to have fun. If anything the money should probably be saved for a gas station visit instead.
With a sigh, I gave up on the idea of going out to Vivas. What was I thinking anyway? All I would be doing is comparing women to my ex and finding reasons why they aren't as good as her. In my heart I'm still not ready to date, so I better scratch that idea and go for something else.
Tonight I think I'm going to read instead, either Michael Shermer's "The Science of Good and Evil" or "The Impossible State: North Korea, Past and Future" by Victor Cha. Both books are pretty appealing and I look forward to reading either one. Since my North Korea book is closer to me I think I'll go for that.
As I sit here I'll tell you that my thoughts are usually dominated by my regrets. I relive a lot of the memories we have together, how I felt about her, and realized that there were many times when my actions did not correspond to how I actually felt. There were times when I felt so riled up that the only outlet I felt that was appropriate was to cut my ties and break up. Yet I never felt, in my heart, that I really wanted to be without her. With this post I'll say this: I will never push the person who owns my heart away again unless I really wanted to break up. It was a massive, and juvenile mistake and I paid for it dearly by losing my ex to her African journey.
I also refuse to conduct an argument through texting, especially when intentions are questionable at best. My ex and I had trust issues that go back to my first and most awful mistake involving a trip to Las Vegas, a mistake that I've never forgiven myself for to this day, and because of that early mistake the course of our relationship had always been an uphill battle of proving my loyalty, and I failed because I couldn't take responsibility for my actions. Accountability is extremely important as a man.
(I originally created this on March 31. I just never published it. oops.)
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