My last letter

Hello blogger,

Today I deleted my old instagram account. Not because I wanted to push people away, but because it felt like I was shedding an old shell. My new instagram, which originally was created for the pining process still, feels more genuine and I feel like I can document my daily observations on it better. If you wish to add me, it's dalvanna12.

I think the hardest part about ending a relationship these days is the existence of social networking. Despite deleting and blocking all involved parties, you always run the risk of running into a picture that were not meant for your eyes.

And I did just that several times.

Seeing someone you loved... and still love.. for so long take cute couple pictures with her new flame is the worst knife twisting, gut-wrenching feeling in the world. I can only compare it to when a loved one passes away, and you find out that their soul was condemned to an eternity in hell.

The first time I ran into her boyfriend's profile picture, I temporarily lost my mind. For some reason I felt like the whole affair was a huge cruel joke, like my ex was only playing an elaborate prank in order to scare me straight and realize that I should appreciate her more. Despite my better judgment, which said otherwise, I said this to myself to shield my heart from the reality of what was actually happening. And that picture, full of a clear and blossoming love, painfully brought the hammer of reality crashing on top of my head.

I completely went insane. I didn't destroy property, I didn't scream out, I didn't attack anyone. I simply slipped out of my conscious, rational mind, and temporarily fell into a state of mind that was filled with despair and chaos.

Honestly, it was terrifying. I felt like the base of my being, the very bridge that kept my soul standing, was destroyed and I was free falling into an abyss where my mind could easily slip into a state of darkness from which I could never return, and deep inside I felt that I was ready to embrace that darkness and lose my mind.

But I consciously tried to pull away from it, and the only way was to sob. And so I sobbed bitterly for as long as necessary until the image of their blossoming love was out of my mind.

But it's never really out of your mind.

In a way I feel like I was cursed with an insight on the thought processes of other people. I've spent so much time observing my own siblings that I've developed the ability to create a mental time line of events that led up to an action. I think of the mindsets, the emotion, the initial interaction, all of it. Everything that led up to the point where she decided that she was secure and happy enough with her new relationship that she made it public.

Today, I read my final letter to her. It was in my document folder and I completely forgot that I had saved a copy for myself.

It goes as follows (for the purpose of anonymity, I removed her name from the letter):

"This is my last letter to you, I promise: 

(name), 

I wasn't sure of how often you may check your email, so I decided to send this to you via face book. It’s been a few days since I got to speak to you. And the last conversation we had was pretty bad, and we both left it very angry at each other. What I wanted to say was that I apologize for the way my brother acted, believe me when I say it was just a moment by moment thing. He was in the house when I argued with you on valentines, so he knew that something was up between us. Then he saw that I was upset when I got your message that you were extending your stay and suggested that I let go and move on. It was my own fault because I kept holding on until I saw the face book update, and I started to make a mess of his Living room. He didn’t know where to place his anger and decided to message you. I didn’t take it well and that’s my own fault. 

I am not happy about this development, but what’s important is that you are. It’s your life, your body, your joy, and your path. And while I may not be ready yet, I hope that someday I can find my own happiness too.
As a final note I’ll say this:

I want you to know that you have been the best person to ever happen to me. I know I was terrible at showing it, but I really loved you with all of heart, but a small part of me I kept holding back because I was afraid that you would leave me if I ever told you what I thought or felt about something. I just wanted to be agreeable but it made me come off as very dodgy and shady. 

I know you have moved on, and someday I will too. In the meantime, while I still have these feelings for you, I want to say that I am proud of you being able to make this tough journey to Kenya and become an asset to the people over there who need you. And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for the way I treated you during our relationship, and I take full accountability for the wrongs that Ive done. 

There were many issues that we had due to personality clashes, and things that we both could have done to handle certain issues better, but everything happens for a reason, and I’m learning to accept that this all happened so that we could both grow with an understanding of what we want more for ourselves. 

In many ways I know that I didn’t show you enough appreciation, but I’m thankful that you came into my life and helped me see that there was more to my life than just trolling online. Hopefully in the future, if we ever meet again, we can share a story about what we did from there. And I hope when that day comes I’ll at least own my own home and a new car.

I’m really glad that you have found happiness, or have a much better idea of what your happiness looks like now. Rest assured that I have honestly thought about everything, as much as I could remember, to see the faults on my end so I can improve myself.

Thank you for the wonderful memories. And thank you for reading this extremely long letter.
This is goodbye, (name). Take good care of yourself and your wonderful family. Maybe it won’t be the same, but I’ll always love you."

In the letter I try to be as accountable as possible for my wrongs, including my early argument with her after I found out about her new boyfriend. I figured that it would be much, much better to close things on a positive note than end things with hatred and bitterness on both of our ends.

What I have been trying to do is look at the positives of our relationship and maintain a good memory of what we had, without looking at the bad to build hatred and resentment. But it is not easy, and I'm sure it was not easy for her either. Reading this letter made me remember that I really tried to be a good man to her, and that I am not a bad person despite all that has happened. In the end I simply love her and want her to be happy, even if it is not with me. It is a difficult thought to have, but it is, in my heart, the right way to handle it. Even if it makes it harder for me to move on. But I rather move on with goodness in my heart, than with assumptions and anger. In that I try to be a stronger person, and I can improve myself to show someone new that I can be a very wonderful, giving, and loving boyfriend and future husband.

I really, really miss her. And I'm very sad that she has found happiness with someone who is not me. But I'm also really proud of her for what she was able to make into a reality. She is living her dream and is edging closer to happiness. Despite my wishes that she found that joy with me, I understand that in life we don't always get who or what we want. Sometimes we lose the most precious things and people in order for us to learn to grow and appreciate those good things and people while they are in our lives. This whole thing is bigger than just me and my ex: it is the way that life itself works.