Disappear

Why am I hung up on someone who doesn't even care that I exist anymore? If anything she pities me. This is pathetic. I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself right now. I'm disgusted by the life I've led and the people I chose to talk to for so many years.

I need to disappear more than I already have. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot and the lowest common denominator.

Like the guy who doesn't get 'it'.

If I keep going like this I might as well keel over. What I am and had to offer has been thoroughly rejected yet again.

I don't even know how to feel right now. I'm angry and I feel very stupid. I feel completely defeated as a person, but I keep going because I'm supposed to. I feel humiliated and exhausted. I feel sexually frustrated and emotionally distant. I feel like I hate everyone, but somewhere deep inside I want to know how I can fit into society.

My father met my mother at my age lol.

I literally grew myself into a big joke. I made someone I love grow disgusted of me and leave me like I am a piece of shit. And now one of my close friends hates me because of something I said, and I always have something stupid to say.

What. The Fuck. Ever. I'm done. Giving a fuck takes way too much energy. I might as well just machine through life, do what I need to to survive, and die an insignificant cog in the web of human history as the piece of shit I am deserves.

I almost feel like the best day of my life will be when I finally draw my final breath on my death bed, knowing that I'll never have to remember the pain and humiliation I felt in March ever again.

I hope that isn't what happens. Maybe things will turn around. But for me my 30th birthday was SHIT because all I wanted was for her to say happy birthday to me. The one who left me and has moved on to someone else. All I wanted was for her to say that to me but she didn't and never will because she doesn't give a fuck about me. She has better things and people to worry about.

Just. Fuck it.

Shattered

I'm doing much better now, and I think I'm ready to date again. I've had crushes, and I've had potential interests.

I've yet to kiss anyone else, or even feel love and hope like I did before. I haven't dreamed about anyone else yet.

I'll always be sorry for losing her. I don't think I'll ever feel that way about anyone else again. But maybe I deserve some level of redemption and being loved. I just want to make sure that I learn as much as possible so I don't make the same mistakes again.

I can't believe that I'm still so hurt and heartbroken. And I feel really alone. Very, very alone, unwanted, unloved, untrustworthy, unattractive, and undeserving of a family.

I don't know, maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm crazy and very stupid.
I just want someone I love to think about me, and I want to make someone smile at my presence. I want to protect someone, make a family...

I'm just tired of not being happy. Of thinking I'm a monster who doesn't deserve to be loved because I'm just too much of a handful to deal with. Of feeling so much soul crushing regret.

I'm still not a good person. I need to fight harder to become that. Then maybe God, or whatever may control fate, will have mercy and allow me to meet someone who can make me feel excited about a future with her.

I'm spiritually shattered, but I'm not going to give up my hope. I'll keep fighting. I have to, otherwise I might as well just die.

Monday morning

My first thought today is that I don't deserve to be happy. :)

Always scary accurate

Leo horoscope for Aug 25 2014 If you've been down on yourself a bit lately, you need to find a way to see yourself through the eyes of the people who love and admire you. That may be hard to do, since you have been angry at or disappointed in yourself recently, and you're having a tough time seeing things objectively. You are a big personality, and when you feel like you have failed at something, you feel it in a big way. You have so much to offer, though, Leo. Let go of any mistakes and forgive yourself. Boost your pride by listing your many virtues and attributes. You'll feel better soon. -- Copyright © Daily Horoscope. Download it now — http://bit.ly/DHmobile

The Devil

I was the soul mate. Her intuition told her that I was the one, but her intuition also told her not to trust me. I wasn't a good listener, I didn't share how concerned I was about her. She was faced with a reality that I was not her soul mate, the one she had been waiting for. In her despair God, whatever it is, rescued her. Gave her someone that she could count on. Someone who could show her the love she deserves from the first glance, like she always wanted.

She fell in love with him, she glowed and beamed in his presence, and he appreciated the loving smile she gave him add a reward for his efforts.

Everything was easy, everything was natural. Finally, she found someone who she could fully trust with her heart and soul. She finally found the bow to her arrow. Someone who would cushion her falls and give her the strength to be a mighty force that could pierce it's target with absolute accuracy.

As I sit in this bar, arms resting on a hard wood table, hunched over on the table, I thought that God rescued her and abandoned me because of all of my misdeeds.

Thinking carefully and deeply, tormenting myself with the moments that I made her sad and cry and do nothing about it, became the source of her nightmares and the source of countless moments of her despair as she held on with all of her life the love she felt for me, I felt a deep realization that I can only describe with a few simple words:

God rescued her from me, and I was the devil.

I've felt sad for what feels like an eternity, and in my heart I'll never forget 3/17/2014, the day I realized that I was the devil.

As the devil I deserve to feel despaired and lost. It feels so natural that I can easily hide my pain with a big smile, now I'm useful to society again.

I'm just gonna keep drinking.