Damned

Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm only thinking about what I want and, no matter how much I've tried, I've only wanted her back. I'm done trying to talk to friends about it, it's pointless, and I can't talk to family about it because, just no. This is just me being my very stubborn self.

If I could turn off my feelings I would, but I can't. And you know what? I have no idea why. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but at the same time she often wasn't very kind to me. Sometimes she was quite mean and harsh in her criticisms about my personality. I knew from a very early time that while she loved me, she lacked the most basic respect for me that everyone deserves. I likely brought this on myself because I was not completely honest with her when I should have been.

I UNDERSTAND that this is supposed to teach me a lesson. I get it. I understand that I fucked up and I'll need to do better next time. But my God what a cold world to think that I should just be good to go and already moved on, when I once said 'I love you' to this person everyday? I was a fucking coward. I couldn't deal with the stress of my actions and got lost in the moments spent away hoping she would become gentler after seeing life in Africa. I sent her money to make sure she was fed and safe, I wrote her letters, when she was away I thought she was busy helping people and didn't bother her in between for fear of spamming and over using her phone data. All of these things, and all I did was lose my beautiful girlfriend.

I never, ever truly gave a fuck about a person more than her. I never felt like a person was going to be my future more. When I met her I thought "this is it, this is exactly it" and now she's fucking gone forever.

I reshaped my whole fucking reality, I reshaped myself, inspired by her presence in my life. When she left me something inside me died.

Ugh. I'm being weak.

It's going to take a while for me to get over this. A long while. And no amount of alcohol, nicotine, or thc is going to make it go any faster. Because in the morning, when my head is pounding from the night before of binging, guess who's image pops back up in my mind?

I fucked up.