I had a wonderful time with friends this weekend. I went to Harrisburg to meet my friend Amanda and her boyfriend Jorrie to celebrate her 21st birthday. Originally I signed up to go in order to give myself an opportunity to have a fun night out drinking and forget about the troubles in my own life.
And party we did, we hit almost every bar going down Harrisburg's main bar strip, and drank excessively the way young people do. I did my best to both keep up and to not lose myself to the spirits we had been consuming, and I think I did a pretty good job. I didn't lose one moment in the night.
There were a lot of couples in the group, very cute ones. I couldn't help smiling at their shows of affection for each other. I often thought to myself, "Good man. Show her affection so she'll know what you feel is real" which, now that I about it, is kind of a strange thought to have, but it's what I thought about while I watched their displays of affection.
I wasn't actively staring though.
When the night was over we all retired to our respective hotel rooms to discuss the events of the night, I was roomed with two other guys who also were single. That became the topic of our discussion after a short time.
Eventually I asked them why they were single. They both seemed like honestly good men, they don't seem like cheaters or play boys, just a pair of good guys who happen to know how to have fun. To be honest I don't remember their answers, but I remember one of them asking me what was the proper way to approach women.
I had to chuckle at that. Me, the human mess, telling someone how to properly approach women? In the end of my relationship my ex had to lecture me like a child, warning me that my constant messaging was very unhealthy and I needed to grieve with my supportive friends in order to move on and let her go. I was not qualified to tell someone how to approach or act in a relationship.
"Be confident, and really be yourself." It was all I could really say. If there's anything I've learned from my last relationship it's that confidence and complete honesty are the keys to success in a relationship, if your partner can't accept who you are and what you enjoy then you're saving yourself trouble by being true to yourself and finding someone else. Denying yourself only causes more pain in the long run, it makes you grow petty, bitter, and all kinds of other terrible adjectives.
We all eventually fell asleep in our conversation, and I woke up 6 hours later in the early morning, since the following day was Mother's day I had to get going to buy her a card and some nice flowers.
I know I typically transition between situations, but I don't feel like talking about the in between. My family came over to celebrate mother's day and I was tired from the night before, so I retreated to my room for some rest, I then went on my phone and thought to wish my ex's mother a happy mother's day, I did and she hasn't responded. I guess in a way I was gauging just how forgotten I was to the group and the lack of response was a good indication of where everyone stood now.
Naturally I became very sad, but I knew I'd be ok someday. I need to work, I need an apartment, and I need a car. That's all. If I can get those three things I'll be moving in the right direction. I also need to complete my studies so that I can have a degree of sorts to feel good about what I've accomplished. I want to be a good man worthy of a good and beautiful woman.
I'm sad often, and I find myself sobbing at any moment that I'm left alone with my thoughts, but I am a strong person. I did a lot of wrong, but I'm happy that I was able to meet someone who made me feel so strongly. It's probably not the last time my heart will be broken, but this lesson is the greatest one yet.
I'm guaranteed goodness now, and I will become a stronger and better man the next time a woman's smile becomes important to me.
[Update: Her Mother thanked me the following day for my wishes.]
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