Today I did a stupid thing by visiting her Facebook. I saw her happy with children from her program along with her new boyfriend. Things seem to be going great for her in Kenya.
I know I should understand that she is happy without me, but I felt that soul tearing sensation I did that I once felt before when I saw her boyfriend's profile picture before. Her happiness seems well rounded, more full, and solid. I feel bad because I wasn't able to offer her that kind of joy with me. She's called me weak before, and spineless, and I feel as though if I did not carry those traits I would still be with her to this day.
I spoke to my friends about it to get their input and comfort, but all I want is a person to hug, cuddle, and take my mind away from this. I feel like I sound very emotional and not very manly at all. Maybe some of the readers will think the same, but for the sake of honesty on this blog I want to be frank about my feelings. Especially since I want this to help any other grieving person going through a hard breakup.
A friend of mine told me the story of the end of his relationship with a loved one, they were together for three years and lived together. When the time came for their relationship to end he put his foot down and ended it. She became pregnant shortly after, despite this he pushed forward, not allowing his emotions to ruin or take over his life.
I have to respect a person with that level of emotional strength. I know that I feel a lot of guilt with the past, but things just went utterly sour in the worst way to me, and my situation is not even near as bad as many of the accounts of ended love that I've heard before.
I feel like that weak and foolish man that people only hear about on television, a pathetic mess of an individual who doesn't have himself put together. I want to be, and need to be more concerned with my own well being, to be happy with myself despite this all happening.
These past two years have been an evolution back to being much kinder with the world around me. With changes comes great trials, and I'd like to pass this trial of understanding why it was necessary for me to stop being the person I once was. She motivated me to change into a better person because I wanted to her to marry me someday, but I also changed because I no longer could sustain the life style I had grown to be accustomed to.
Each day I take everything in one at a time, although I had been sad I was doing well in recovering. A friend of mine told me that I should block her Facebook to give myself the proper time to recover and forget about her. To stop thinking of her well being and think more of myself. I need to stop wondering if she is thinking about me, and I need to stop thinking about how I feel about her until I am truly ready to face the reality of everything, which I clearly am not.
Today is one of my best friends' birthday, and I'm glad he was away from his phone when I called him, because I want him to enjoy this day to its fullest. No matter how much I thrash about and cry things will not change between me and my ex girlfriend. Her joy now lies elsewhere and I need to not think about it. Where does my joy lie? What do I want to do with myself? What are my goals and aspirations? How bright is my own future?
I always preach about autonomy to my friends when they are enduring heart break, and I need to practice what I preach. I need to forgive myself for the wrongs I've committed and move forward without tormenting myself with the details of my foul past.
I know I was a bad person but that's no longer who I am anymore. I'm not a deceiver, I'm not the enemy of good and kind hearted people. I know what I want to do to make whoever loves me back happy. I know I deserve a beautiful person in my life who will equally make me proud and happy to have her. Then maybe, in the distant future, I can think about making a family.
More heartbreak may come to me, but I've learned a lot and have a better idea of what I want.
It's hard to let go of a name you've marked on your heart as the person who will carry your last name, but the truth is the world is full of soul mates who are ready to bring you joy and will do everything to make you feel it no matter what.
No one has died, no one is physically ill. My heart is broken and I long for love again, that's all. And I need to accept that someday love will return to me, maybe more powerful than ever before.
I wish I had a friend to hug me, someone tangible to show me that real connection is possible through an embrace.
I want to feel loveable again, and not a disgusting creature who was bested by another who is better.
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