The days

To be honest, blogger, I had been avoiding you for the past few days.

Reading over my old posts made me remember how I felt on the day I was cut off. The days where crying bitterly did absolutely nothing to make me feel better, but we're just a normal occurrence that I was supposed to get used to. The days where I spent hours on facebook, trying so hard to keep myself distracted, knowing full and well that I wanted her attention back. The days where I realized that she would no longer send me pictures or messages about her experiences because I didn't show enough interest or care, and now I am left with nothing but profile pictures on social media. The days where I realized that another man now has the heart of the woman I love so much that I destroyed and rebuilt myself just to suit her.

And now that she's gone I'm so terribly lost. I'm so terribly sad, I can't sleep, all I see are her warm smiles generated by her new life without me.

I know I sound like a whiny little bitch. In fact I am being a whiny little bitch. I've always sucked at showing my love to someone, it took my family years to understand how I am, how my withdrawn nature is not because I don't care, but because I just don't know how to show anyone who I really am.

I wanted to show her who I am, I was ready to, I just needed time but I ran out because you had had enough.

I'm trying to understand. I know why you left, I know why you had to go. I know there was just too much, and I know that you burned bridges with me just to make sure there was no turning back.

But I don't understand why I'm not allowed to love you anymore.

I miss you with every fiber of my being. I miss laying down and sleeping next to you. Your belly rising and falling against my hands and arms that were wrapped around your waist. Now this is for someone else?

I'm supposed to be getting better but I'm still just as sad as I was before. Our bond is no more, I'm not even your friend.

If I spoke to you, it would just be called unhealthy or creepy. That's what my love is now. Unhealthy and creepy. It's unwelcomed.

I never thought this day would come, but it's my everyday life now.

A living nightmare of love for nothing. And fond memories that only sting now.

You'll never read this blog, I don't even know why I'm writing it anymore.