Disappear

Why am I hung up on someone who doesn't even care that I exist anymore? If anything she pities me. This is pathetic. I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself right now. I'm disgusted by the life I've led and the people I chose to talk to for so many years.

I need to disappear more than I already have. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot and the lowest common denominator.

Like the guy who doesn't get 'it'.

If I keep going like this I might as well keel over. What I am and had to offer has been thoroughly rejected yet again.

I don't even know how to feel right now. I'm angry and I feel very stupid. I feel completely defeated as a person, but I keep going because I'm supposed to. I feel humiliated and exhausted. I feel sexually frustrated and emotionally distant. I feel like I hate everyone, but somewhere deep inside I want to know how I can fit into society.

My father met my mother at my age lol.

I literally grew myself into a big joke. I made someone I love grow disgusted of me and leave me like I am a piece of shit. And now one of my close friends hates me because of something I said, and I always have something stupid to say.

What. The Fuck. Ever. I'm done. Giving a fuck takes way too much energy. I might as well just machine through life, do what I need to to survive, and die an insignificant cog in the web of human history as the piece of shit I am deserves.

I almost feel like the best day of my life will be when I finally draw my final breath on my death bed, knowing that I'll never have to remember the pain and humiliation I felt in March ever again.

I hope that isn't what happens. Maybe things will turn around. But for me my 30th birthday was SHIT because all I wanted was for her to say happy birthday to me. The one who left me and has moved on to someone else. All I wanted was for her to say that to me but she didn't and never will because she doesn't give a fuck about me. She has better things and people to worry about.

Just. Fuck it.