Shattered

I'm doing much better now, and I think I'm ready to date again. I've had crushes, and I've had potential interests.

I've yet to kiss anyone else, or even feel love and hope like I did before. I haven't dreamed about anyone else yet.

I'll always be sorry for losing her. I don't think I'll ever feel that way about anyone else again. But maybe I deserve some level of redemption and being loved. I just want to make sure that I learn as much as possible so I don't make the same mistakes again.

I can't believe that I'm still so hurt and heartbroken. And I feel really alone. Very, very alone, unwanted, unloved, untrustworthy, unattractive, and undeserving of a family.

I don't know, maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm crazy and very stupid.
I just want someone I love to think about me, and I want to make someone smile at my presence. I want to protect someone, make a family...

I'm just tired of not being happy. Of thinking I'm a monster who doesn't deserve to be loved because I'm just too much of a handful to deal with. Of feeling so much soul crushing regret.

I'm still not a good person. I need to fight harder to become that. Then maybe God, or whatever may control fate, will have mercy and allow me to meet someone who can make me feel excited about a future with her.

I'm spiritually shattered, but I'm not going to give up my hope. I'll keep fighting. I have to, otherwise I might as well just die.