Damned

Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm only thinking about what I want and, no matter how much I've tried, I've only wanted her back. I'm done trying to talk to friends about it, it's pointless, and I can't talk to family about it because, just no. This is just me being my very stubborn self.

If I could turn off my feelings I would, but I can't. And you know what? I have no idea why. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but at the same time she often wasn't very kind to me. Sometimes she was quite mean and harsh in her criticisms about my personality. I knew from a very early time that while she loved me, she lacked the most basic respect for me that everyone deserves. I likely brought this on myself because I was not completely honest with her when I should have been.

I UNDERSTAND that this is supposed to teach me a lesson. I get it. I understand that I fucked up and I'll need to do better next time. But my God what a cold world to think that I should just be good to go and already moved on, when I once said 'I love you' to this person everyday? I was a fucking coward. I couldn't deal with the stress of my actions and got lost in the moments spent away hoping she would become gentler after seeing life in Africa. I sent her money to make sure she was fed and safe, I wrote her letters, when she was away I thought she was busy helping people and didn't bother her in between for fear of spamming and over using her phone data. All of these things, and all I did was lose my beautiful girlfriend.

I never, ever truly gave a fuck about a person more than her. I never felt like a person was going to be my future more. When I met her I thought "this is it, this is exactly it" and now she's fucking gone forever.

I reshaped my whole fucking reality, I reshaped myself, inspired by her presence in my life. When she left me something inside me died.

Ugh. I'm being weak.

It's going to take a while for me to get over this. A long while. And no amount of alcohol, nicotine, or thc is going to make it go any faster. Because in the morning, when my head is pounding from the night before of binging, guess who's image pops back up in my mind?

I fucked up.

The basics

My root issue is simple. I blame myself for everything.

Unhealthy feelings

I had a wonderful time with friends this weekend. I went to Harrisburg to meet my friend Amanda and her boyfriend Jorrie to celebrate her 21st birthday. Originally I signed up to go in order to give myself an opportunity to have a fun night out drinking and forget about the troubles in my own life.

And party we did, we hit almost every bar going down Harrisburg's main bar strip, and drank excessively the way young people do. I did my best to both keep up and to not lose myself to the spirits we had been consuming, and I think I did a pretty good job. I didn't lose one moment in the night.

There were a lot of couples in the group, very cute ones. I couldn't help smiling at their shows of affection for each other. I often thought to myself, "Good man. Show her affection so she'll know what you feel is real" which, now that I about it, is kind of a strange thought to have, but it's what I thought about while I watched their displays of affection.

I wasn't actively staring though.

When the night was over we all retired to our respective hotel rooms to discuss the events of the night, I was roomed with two other guys who also were single. That became the topic of our discussion after a short time.

Eventually I asked them why they were single. They both seemed like honestly good men, they don't seem like cheaters or play boys, just a pair of good guys who happen to know how to have fun. To be honest I don't remember their answers, but I remember one of them asking me what was the proper way to approach women.

I had to chuckle at that. Me, the human mess, telling someone how to properly approach women? In the end of my relationship my ex had to lecture me like a child, warning me that my constant messaging was very unhealthy and I needed to grieve with my supportive friends in order to move on and let her go. I was not qualified to tell someone how to approach or act in a relationship.

"Be confident, and really be yourself." It was all I could really say. If there's anything I've learned from my last relationship it's that confidence and complete honesty are the keys to success in a relationship, if your partner can't accept who you are and what you enjoy then you're saving yourself trouble by being true to yourself and finding someone else. Denying yourself only causes more pain in the long run, it makes you grow petty, bitter, and all kinds of other terrible adjectives.

We all eventually fell asleep in our conversation, and I woke up 6 hours later in the early morning, since the following day was Mother's day I had to get going to buy her a card and some nice flowers.

I know I typically transition between situations, but I don't feel like talking about the in between. My family came over to celebrate mother's day and I was tired from the night before, so I retreated to my room for some rest, I then went on my phone and thought to wish my ex's mother a happy mother's day, I did and she hasn't responded. I guess in a way I was gauging just how forgotten I was to the group and the lack of response was a good indication of where everyone stood now.

Naturally I became very sad, but I knew I'd be ok someday. I need to work, I need an apartment, and I need a car. That's all. If I can get those three things I'll be moving in the right direction. I also need to complete my studies so that I can have a degree of sorts to feel good about what I've accomplished. I want to be a good man worthy of a good and beautiful woman.

I'm sad often, and I find myself sobbing at any moment that I'm left alone with my thoughts, but I am a strong person. I did a lot of wrong, but I'm happy that I was able to meet someone who made me feel so strongly. It's probably not the last time my heart will be broken, but this lesson is the greatest one yet.

I'm guaranteed goodness now, and I will become a stronger and better man the next time a woman's smile becomes important to me.

[Update: Her Mother thanked me the following day for my wishes.]

I have to move on

Today I did a stupid thing by visiting her Facebook. I saw her happy with children from her program along with her new boyfriend. Things seem to be going great for her in Kenya.

I know I should understand that she is happy without me, but I felt that soul tearing sensation I did that I once felt before when I saw her boyfriend's profile picture before. Her happiness seems well rounded, more full, and solid. I feel bad because I wasn't able to offer her that kind of joy with me. She's called me weak before, and spineless, and I feel as though if I did not carry those traits I would still be with her to this day.

I spoke to my friends about it to get their input and comfort, but all I want is a person to hug, cuddle, and take my mind away from this. I feel like I sound very emotional and not very manly at all. Maybe some of the readers will think the same, but for the sake of honesty on this blog I want to be frank about my feelings. Especially since I want this to help any other grieving person going through a hard breakup.

A friend of mine told me the story of the end of his relationship with a loved one, they were together for three years and lived together. When the time came for their relationship to end he put his foot down and ended it. She became pregnant shortly after, despite this he pushed forward, not allowing his emotions to ruin or take over his life.

I have to respect a person with that level of emotional strength. I know that I feel a lot of guilt with the past, but things just went utterly sour in the worst way to me, and my situation is not even near as bad as many of the accounts of ended love that I've heard before.

I feel like that weak and foolish man that people only hear about on television, a pathetic mess of an individual who doesn't have himself put together. I want to be, and need to be more concerned with my own well being, to be happy with myself despite this all happening.

These past two years have been an evolution back to being much kinder with the world around me. With changes comes great trials, and I'd like to pass this trial of understanding why it was necessary for me to stop being the person I once was. She motivated me to change into a better person because I wanted to her to marry me someday, but I also changed because I no longer could sustain the life style I had grown to be accustomed to.

Each day I take everything in one at a time, although I had been sad I was doing well in recovering. A friend of mine told me that I should block her Facebook to give myself the proper time to recover and forget about her. To stop thinking of her well being and think more of myself. I need to stop wondering if she is thinking about me, and I need to stop thinking about how I feel about her until I am truly ready to face the reality of everything, which I clearly am not.

Today is one of my best friends' birthday, and I'm glad he was away from his phone when I called him, because I want him to enjoy this day to its fullest. No matter how much I thrash about and cry things will not change between me and my ex girlfriend. Her joy now lies elsewhere and I need to not think about it. Where does my joy lie? What do I want to do with myself? What are my goals and aspirations? How bright is my own future?

I always preach about autonomy to my friends when they are enduring heart break, and I need to practice what I preach. I need to forgive myself for the wrongs I've committed and move forward without tormenting myself with the details of my foul past.

I know I was a bad person but that's no longer who I am anymore. I'm not a deceiver, I'm not the enemy of good and kind hearted people. I know what I want to do to make whoever loves me back happy. I know I deserve a beautiful person in my life who will equally make me proud and happy to have her. Then maybe, in the distant future, I can think about making a family.

More heartbreak may come to me, but I've learned a lot and have a better idea of what I want.

It's hard to let go of a name you've marked on your heart as the person who will carry your last name, but the truth is the world is full of soul mates who are ready to bring you joy and will do everything to make you feel it no matter what.

No one has died, no one is physically ill. My heart is broken and I long for love again, that's all. And I need to accept that someday love will return to me, maybe more powerful than ever before.

I wish I had a friend to hug me, someone tangible to show me that real connection is possible through an embrace.

I want to feel loveable again, and not a disgusting creature who was bested by another who is better.

My horoscope, my life

Leo horoscope for May 10 2014 You have ended something in your life recently - a job, a romance, a friendship, or an arrangement of some kind. Maybe you are happy that it ended, but still there is a gap in your life. You may want to fill it simply because there is a feeling of emptiness. But don't just randomly do so, Leo. Look around for a while. Seek out spiritual enlightenment. Look for guidance from someplace you can trust. Think about it. Live with it. Dream about it. And then give yourself permission to fill that gap in the happiest of ways. -- Copyright © Daily Horoscope. Download it now — http://bit.ly/DHmobile

I certainly am NOT happy about it remotely, but I do feel empty inside. My issue is I want to be happy with her and to be part of her family again. I just need to accept that this will never happen. If she ever considered me I would be second best in her heart, at best.

Today I had a nice job interview all the way in king of Prussia, PA. With this opportunity I get to move closer to the city, and gain more exposure to humanity. During my drive I noticed how beautiful the day was, and I began to think positively about everything we endured together. I felt terrible about the immaturity I put forth during the relationship, and I felt very thankful for the changes that she helped me make in my life. I can try and learn to accept that she will never be mine again, that maybe her role in my life was to just help me see the value of being very considerate. While I can say I regret breaking the trust with her that ultimately led to the demise of what we had in a most awful way, I wouldn't have learned if I wasn't emotionally destroyed by our ending.

God knows I loved her so much, I loved her family, all I wanted was her trust and respect. I wanted the freedom to be friends with whomever and her to have the confidence that I would come back home to her. I wanted her to be close to my family because I felt like they would love her rigid morality. I loved her smile when she laughed with me. She was just so beautiful to me. I wanted her to live with me and have the ability to cuddle with her every day. She thought I liked the distance but being on Skype for hours was so taxing on me too.

I miss her so much. I miss talking to her, I miss her voice... I still sob everyday when I think about everything I've done and lost.

I know I need to let go now since she's happily with another man. I need to really let that sink in and try to find my own happiness. I don't want to date anyone right now because I'd only be comparing them to her.

I'll be writing part 2 of "Turning My Life Around" soon. I'll try my best to give details without giving away too much in case she ever runs into this emotional mess of a blog.

Have a good night blogger. Thank you for allowing me to vent, always.

Johnny

10 Things to Remember When you Feel Lost and Alone

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/03/19/10-things-to-remember-when-you-feel-lost-and-alone/

Ugh

Every time I sleep I dream about us being happy together and rebuilding what we lost. Brain, please don't torment me with these fantasies. I know this is all a shock but it's no longer a reality. Please help me recover instead of tormenting me with hope.